My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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