Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
