fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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