: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My hand turned me down
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
