well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
