I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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