The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
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