did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Randomize
