The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
