ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
