what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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