I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
