Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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