I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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