What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
