So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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