But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
