I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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