i was born a porn star she said
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
