you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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