things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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