I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
