I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
