Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
PS: I just woke up from my shower
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
