the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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