I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
