I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
