Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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