If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
