I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
