i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
