weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
