two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
