Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
