I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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