i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
