You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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