I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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