I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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