I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
