I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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