i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
