I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
