he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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