I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
