a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize