I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
