Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They took my balls.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
