the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
