I have demons in me.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
