Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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