Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
