I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
