I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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