so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
