I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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