We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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