Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
