My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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