What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
