it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
